How to host the perfect barbecue

1. Make sure you buy lots of snacks like crisps and that for people to eat whilst they wait for the real food. Then, and this is the important bit, forget to put them out and find them lurking in the cupboard after everyone has gone home.

Tunnel wars. You weren’t there, man.

2. Have lots of children and only one or two of something they all want to play with, space hoppers or a play tunnel work well for this. This will ensure a calm and relaxed environment in which everyone can enjoy the snacks you forgot to put out.

3. Whilst we’re on that theme, make sure you have a limited number of balloons and that the children play with them next to your raspberry bushes. Also, buy cheap bubbles so the wands fall irretrievably back inside the bottle as many times as possible. Adult fingers will be just a bit too big to offer much assistance.

Children are well known for their love of vegetables

4. Feed the kids first, but not before you realise it is already one o’clock and they have been subsisting on carrot sticks, grapes and watermelon due to your slackness. Forget to put out the packaged kiddy munch that you bought specially.

5. Arbitrarily pick 11 am as the start time, then as 11 o’clock draws nigh, panic wildly that some people might actually turn up on time, when you are still making a salad and haven’t brushed your hair yet. Ignore the first few guests/leave them to entertain your kids whilst you frantically slice things whilst putting on your make up.

Lo! Behold the deck! Look upon his works, ye mighty, and eat sausages

6. Intend to take millions of photos to capture this happy time spent with friends, but in reality just buzz about like a blue-arsed fly to and from the kitchen to the point where you barely speak to everyone, let alone take any pictures. Manage to take one, which is a photo of someone else taking a photo (above). Ensure your other half is basically incarcerated behind a fence chargrilling things, so he can’t talk to anyone either.

Thanks to my lovely guests for putting up with my lackadaisical barbecue-hosting skills. Thanks also to Chris for barbecuing from the chokey. We had a wonderful day!

Want to read all about the many hours of preparation that went into this event? Click here!